1. Just wait a minute
Sex can sometimes become something chronic and not in a good way. It can become something that weaves into your everyday routine, which can lack spontaneity and passion. We can all fall victim to “just because” sex. The sex where it’s been a while, and you feel like you should. The sex where one partner is turned on, and the other isn’t, the sex where it’s become Mundane and basic. Just stop for a second. While sex is needed in relationships, passion is needed more. Don’t just have sex out of habit. That will destroy the intimacy, connection, and romance you have.
When you don’t take your time to connect, and neither party (or at least one of you) isn’t turned on, you aren’t going to be sexually aroused. And that sucks. There have been many times where I have been super aroused, and my partner has not been. And instead of tending to him, I selfishly got aggravated, and it just turned our experience into a heap of trash garnished with anger and frustration.
If you do happen to start a session when you’re not fully aroused, just chill out for a second. Take some time to unwind, I know sex relieve stress, but it can hardly do its job when you start interacting while still stressed.
If you notice your partner is going limp, try and be more passionate. You may be tired of giving him a blow job or riding him, and that’s OK. However, if you want to keep him hard, you need to think of yourself as well. Are you enjoying yourself? Or, are you just trying to please him? Just slow down, and be intimate. Get out of your head, and just live in this moment between the two of you.
If you notice your partner isn’t as wet as usual, or you find yourself having to use lubrication or your saliva, stop. Just like above, be more intimate. Kiss her, caress her, show her that you're indulged in her body to help her understand that you want this on a far deeper level than just getting off.
2. Change it up
Sex can become a routine — an every day habitual motion. This typically happens after you have been with somebody for so long and that honeymoon phase dwindles. That’s normal and avoidable. We get bored in life when things become too predictable. Sex included.
For example, for the longest time, when my partner and I had sex after having been together for over five years, we always started the same. Kissing, touching, fondling each other in the same places and in the same way. We started out in missionary after some expected oral, and ended in doggy; hopefully accompanied by an orgasm. Bad idea.
Changing your routine, even just a little bit, is enough for an interest to spark that hasn’t been there for a long time. Changing positions, location, or how you initiate sex. Change prompts spontaneity.
If you notice your partner isn’t as hard as he was before, try doing something different. Instead of hopping on top and riding him, lean over the bed, do it in front of a window, or go have car sex. Step out of your ritual, and excite him. Try incorporating temperature play, food play, or even adding different music into the mix. Hell, whatever you do, just make sure it’s different.
If you notice your partner isn’t as moist as usual, switch it up. Grab some oils and give her an erotic massage, have her play with herself in front of you, or kiss all over her body. Do something that you usually wouldn’t do or something you did at the beginning of your relationship. Get out of the habitual motion.
3. Avoid lube
Lube is amazing. I have nothing against it. However, if you’re on the brink of good sex and bad sex, you should definitely avoid lube. This isn’t accounting for the situation where people have problems with self-lubrication. That’s a completely different topic. In that case, lube isn’t used in a sense of rushing, it’s necessary.
If you and your partner are perfectly capable of self lubricating, and you’re lacking in sexual chemistry that creates said lubrication, do not use lube. Using lube is taking the easy way out, it’s preparing each other to accept defeat. While lubrication is fun, and it does get things going, if you use it as a crutch it’s going to hold a negative impact.
If you notice your partner isn’t as hard as he normally is, don’t bust out the lube to try and add some liquid sensation. Be creative, spit on your hand, spit on his penis. Be intimate between his legs, and his body, give him the passion you had when you first started messing around.
If you notice she’s not as wet as usual, don’t even look at the lubrication. Use your mouth. Use your fingers. Use your entire existence to please her with touching and caressing. Turn her on by changing up your routine, or teasing her. Be unexpected and spontaneous.
This is a major problem with people who have been together for so long. There is no build up anymore, it’s just a chronic decision to have sex because it feels good. The passion is gone, the intimacy is gone, and this only results to mediocre sex at best. You have to remember foreplay. You have to remember how to turn each other on without relying on the basic human instincts of touch. Get into each others heads, and bodies.
If you notice he isn’t hard anymore, slow down. Before you even get intimate, make sure he is turned on. Don’t just start stroking him, or having sex, unless you know he is rock-solid. The buildup and anticipation are what keep intimacy strong. Take your time, take 15 minutes to just kiss around his body, and tease him.
If you notice she isn’t wet anymore, stop relying on your penis to get the job done. It’s not just about penetration. If you want her to be wet, treat her body the way you did when you first met. Slowly caress her skin with your fingertips, kiss between her legs gently before using your tongue. Wait until she is twitching and eager before you give her anything.
Sex should never be some thing that is expected like a paycheck. You shouldn’t know when it’s coming, or how much it’s worth. I understand, things happen. Children, work, stress. But there is always time to be made. The only thing stopping time being made as you.
When you make the time, don’t waste it. Take the time to just sit and stare at each other naked, talk to each other, desensitize from the World before engaging. Even if it takes longer than you would wish, build that connection. If your partner isn’t turned on, it’s not just their problem, it’s yours as well.
The best sex is sparked from intimacy. The primal urge, love, anticipation, and excitement. Sex should never be qualified as something on your schedule, something to do just to relieve stress. Sex is magical. And both of you should be treating the others body like it harnesses the most valuable of riches.